omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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