i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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