he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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