After last night, I could never be a politician.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
