a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
