I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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