what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
