By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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