I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
being pregnant is like rehab
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
