At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
