I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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