i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Randomize
