my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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