I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
