dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
420 ftw
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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