i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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