Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I faked an abortion last night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
