I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
