After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
