my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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