so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
