The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
