I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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