I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
