Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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