Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
