is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
