He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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