how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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