3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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