Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize