swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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