I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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