she woke up with a sticky ear
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
