12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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