just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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