you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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