Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Panties = found
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
