just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
