I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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