i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
