i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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