uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!