I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
