yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
