end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
