i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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