I think my fart just growled at me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
