I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
