New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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