I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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