I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
