He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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