I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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