Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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