I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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