it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize