it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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