all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
