He uses pillows to masturbate.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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