btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
