my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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