why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
