God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
